


All that heals has hope

by Rysie



Category: Attack on Titan, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Action/Adventure, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), POV Original Female Character, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:41:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27424405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rysie/pseuds/Rysie
Summary: Illyasviel Rosegarden was once the leader of the Special Operations Squad, but one day she lost all of her memories and she had to realize that all people around her still had high expectations.So she had to make a choice, either continuing searching for answers or accept herself as she is now and keep on fighting and surviving in this cruel world.
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 8





	1. Call your name

**Author's Note:**

> Before you read: 
> 
> -English is not my first language so please don't be so hard on me when you find some mistakes  
> -I really appreciate constructive criticism  
> -This story will be in the POV of Levi and my OC Illya  
> -In later chapters there will be a lot of manga spoilers  
> -Romance is a part of this story but not the only focus! :)

Raindrops that burned like fire flogged into Illya’s face. It burned. It hurted. But where was she? She couldn’t tell. She is moving, but the girl didn’t know if her own legs carried her or something... someone else did? Everything felt so heavy, everything burned.  
  
Her blurred environment kept moving, with it always blood. Was it hers?  
  
“I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I never wanted to do that..but..but..” she could hear a man's voice cry in the void. Was it he who carried her? 

The fog in her brain slowly cleared up and she could see dead corpses on the ground, each single person wearing a jacket with wings on it. Illya could figure out that indeed she was carried piggyback by some kind of man, but she never saw him before. His face was also full of blood and tears.  
  
“I am so sorry.” he continued begging. 

Illya wanted to respond, but her lips were too heavy to open and she was so tired. So incredibly tired. 

The ground began to shake and the fog before her eyes rebuilt.

“Live Illya, please keep on living.”, she heard a gentle female voice whispering to her before everything went black.  
  
~~

When she gained some kind of control of her body she still felt weak and heavy. Not able to tell where she was now, Illya could hear two men speaking to each other.

  
“She is still unconscious?”  
  
“Yes.”

One voice was coming from a distance while the other one seemed to come right next to her. Illya tried to open her eyes to see who was with her, but her body just didn’t want to listen.  
  
“I see.”  
  
The voice, a warm and somehow similar to her, came closer and the sound of a moving chair stuck out.  
  
“How did she even survive the attack of the Colossal and the Armoured Titan...her body was found by Cadets in Shiganshina ”  
  
“What the heck are you trying to say, Erwin?”  
  
The voice next to her felt also similar, almost intimately and yet at the same time it was so cold and full of pain. 

“Nothing... “

 _“What are they talking about?... What happened? Where am I? Who am I?”_ resounded suddenly in her mind. 

An uncomfortable silence covered their surroundings.

“You two got very close this past year, huh?” 

“Tch. Don’t talk bullshit.”

“I am so sorry, Levi.”  
  
And with that the sound of a closing door followed. 

“I should have killed that bastard.” the remaining man whispered. 

Illya wanted so badly to ask questions, but her strength left her one more time.  
  
 _“Damn..What is going on?”_

…

The next time she regained her consciousness, Illya was able to open her eyes and move her hands a bit. For the first time she could observe her environment. It seemed she was placed in an infirmary.   
  
The room was very steriele. Besides the violett bluebells on the windowsill and the brown of the wooden wall, there was nothing more left that could give this room some warmth. 

Her bed was placed right beside a tilted window and she could watch children playing outside. A warm breeze came through the gap of the window and tickled on Illyas face. 

It must be mid or late summer.  
  
A 2nd, bit stronger, blast of air came through and pushed the white curtains on the window a little bit back. 

Illyas glance followed the transparent cloth, till her attentioned sticked with the man who was sitting on a chair beside her bed. 

It was a short man, with straight black hair styled in an undercut curtain. Individual wisps of his hair covered his closed eyes as his face looked down, while his arms and legs were crossed. 

It took Illya some seconds to realize that he was sleeping, but she wondered how anybody could sleep like that. His whole body seemed tense.  
  
 _“Is that one of the men I’ve heard talking earlier?”_

The man was in some kind of uniform with a light gray button-up shirt and a white ascot underneath it. What captured Illyas attention the most was the wings patch on his uniform.  
  
Suddenly the girl remembered all the dead corpses.  
  
“ _Were they one of his people? How did they die? Why were their body parts torn apart?”  
  
_ A feeling of sickness overcame her but a voice pulled her back from her memories.  
  
“Oi, are you alright? Don’t vomit. I’ve just cleaned this filthy room. Need a can?”

As Illya turned her face, narrow intimidating dull gray eyes already looked eager at her.  
  
 _“He noticed? I thought he was asleep?”_

Not knowing what to say, Illya just shook her head. Even though she did remember his voice from before, Illya could not say who this man is or if she knows him, but nevertheless he seems to know her. Or did he just mistake her for someone else?

_You two got very close this past year, huh?_

Now Illya felt something like guilt.  
  
 _“What if he really mistaken me for someone else? “_

Looking back at him, she noticed that his eyes, which are covered with dark circles, are still looking at her. What should she do now? 

“Illya, are you alright?” 

It took her by surprise when he called out her name. It was the only thing she remembered. 

_Live Illya, please keep on living._

"Why are you crying now?” 

"llyas whole body began to shake. She could feel the warm tears running down her face.  
Her face.. she wonders what it looks like. What eye color does she have? What's her hair like? What's her last name…?

With tears in her eyes, she readdressed the man who is supposed to know her.  
  
“Who am _I_?” 

“Huh?”  
  
The man's once small eyes opened up. She didn’t know if he knew, but that way he looked more terrifying than before. 

“Tell me. Is this a _bad_ joke of yours?!” he replied. 

~~

“What’s your name?”  
  
“Illya.”  
  
“Full name?”  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
“Where are you from?”  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
“What year are you born?”  
  
“I don’t know..”  
  
“Do you know what year we have?”  
  
“No..”  
  
Illya was still lying in the sickbed while a doctor came in and checked her out and asked her a bunch of questions, which she could mostly not answer. This check up lasted about hours and eventually the sun already went down.

“Hmm…” the doctor said after a while, scratching his beard.  
“Your right leg is broken...but the bigger issue is your lost memory.”  
  
Illya looked down at her hands while the doctor explained her diagnosis.  
Due a presumably brain concussion she suffers from amnesia. He could not tell her if she would ever regain her memory back.  
  
With a simple ‘I am sorry’ he left her alone in the infirmary. 

Feeling empty and not knowing what to do, she didn’t even notice that another man came in.  
He had a commanding presence, and stood tall and confident in the same winged Uniform like the man, who visited her before. His hair is blond and neatly parted on the left side. A clear trademark of him were for sure his icy blue eyes as his thick and bushy eyebrows were. 

With a calm and collected expression he came closer and pulled a chair right so that he could sit beside her bed. 

“Do you know who I am?” he asked calmly.  
  
Illya shook her head, although she could remember his voice from earlier this day.

  
“My name is Erwin Smith, I am glad to see you alright so far Illyasviel..”  
  
“Illyasviel?”   
  
Erwin nodded.  
  
“Illyasviel Rosegarden. Your full name.”  
  
Illya hesitated for a few seconds before she answered.  
  
“Thank you.” she said finally quietly.  
  
His smile warmed up her heart a little bit. Something about him gave Illya comfort.  
  


“Can you tell me what happened?”  
  
He now shook his head.  
  
“Nobody knows that exactly. I am sorry.”  
  


“Oh..”  
  
“All I know is that right after our expedition you went to see an old friend of yours and unfortunately the Wall Maria got destroyed by titans...and in all of this chaos you came back to us like this..”  
  
“I am sorry..I still don’t understand... ”  
  
“Oh. I am the one who should be sorry.” he chuckled embarrassed. “Don’t you remember anything? About the survey corps..about titans..about the world we live in?” 

Again all she could do is to shake her head.

“Can you tell me about it?” 

And so the man told her everything about the world. About the walls, about the different corpses, about their system and about herself. She was born and raised in the underground but to her luck one day Rod Reiss, an aristocrat, came and offered her a job as a housemaid. Still a child and one who needed the money she agreed and so she served the family many years till the day she notified herself as a recruit and joined the Survey Corps.  
  
By Erwins description she was a very creative person who loved to draw, sing and write. Unfortunately all her stuff were left behind in the old HQ in Shiganshina  
  
“What made me join the Survey Corps?”  
  
“You had a dream.” Erwin smiled.  
  
“A dream?”  
  
“Yes, you wanted to draw a world map. You began to draw little Roadmaps for the Survey Corps each time we faced a new unknown area.”  
  
“I see.”  
  


All of this sounded very interesting, but Illya was not sure if she was able to do such things again.  
  


“It’s getting late, you should probably rest. It was a hard day.” Erwin said.  
  
“Commander?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Thank you.” Illya said, with a smile on her face while she was fighting again with her tears.  
  
“No need for formality, we are friends. It is just Erwin, alright? If you need something, make sure to ask me, understood?”  
  
The Girl felt embarrassed but with the broken leg of hers she could not do it alone anyways.  
  
“I...I have a last favor to ask you, if you don’t mind.”  
  
“What is it?”  
  
Illya pointed at the mirror on the wall.  
  
“C..Could you hand me over the mirror?”  
  
“Of course.” Erwin responded again with this understanding smile on his face.  
  
He kept his smile while he watched how overwhelmingly it was for Illya to look at her own reflection.   
  


She was a young woman, according to Erwin 20, with fair skin, freckles and olive green eyes. Illya also has long, straight scarlet-red hair which are falling down to her lower back.  
With one hand she touched her oval-shaped face and noticed that her face was framed by two locks each side and bangs. 

So...this is how she looks like. Not able to fight it anymore Illya just let her tears roll down on her face.  
  
~~  
  


When Erwin left the room he could see Levi leaning against a wall, arms crossed, looking down with a deep depressed yet angry expression. 

“Go in and talk to her.” Erwin gripped the first words when he noticed that he would not start a conversation. 

“Erwin.” he responded sharp.  
“What the actual fuck is going on right now?!”  
  
Erwin let a sigh out and placed himself besides Levi.  
  
“I want to know that too. First we lose Wall Maria and know this. The Survey Corps must rethink its course. And now where I am the Commander...”  
  
“Oi-.” Levi looked at him this time right into his eyes.  
“Is this all you care about?”  
  
“This is just the beginning, Levi. Those two titans can come back anytime soon and then whole humanity is at danger..I want you to take her place and lead from this day on the Special Operations Squad.” 

_..._

  
  



	2. A Place to start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hei!
> 
> This chapter was really difficult for me to write, but i hope you still enjoy it :)

> Levi and his friends left the underground for a couple of days now. The view of the outside world was not bad but time among the Scouts sucked. It was annoying.  
>    
>  But he will endure.  
>    
>  It has been too long since he saw Isabel that happy and her smile and lust for life gave him new strength.  
>    
>  He will endure for the sake of his little sister. For Furlan.  
>    
>  Levi doesn’t want to be responsible for any lives but theirs.  
>    
>  “Can’t sleep?” a woman's voice asked.  
>    
>  Levi was so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice that someone came close to him and so he dared to see who the interrupter was.  
>  _  
> __‘Ah, this girl.’_
> 
>   
>  He couldn't not know her. She took over Isabel’s training and his sister didn’t stop enthusing about her. According to Isabel she was as well a survivor of the Underground and made it out somehow by taking a job from some fat rich man.  
>    
> 
> 
> Levi gifted her some seconds of his attention by looking at her but then turned his glance back to the nightsky.   
>  He was sitting on the rooftop of the scouts HQ for a while now. 
> 
> Without looking, he could feel how the young Lady sat on a brick beside him and so they lingered there for a while.  
>    
>  “What do you think you’re doing here?” he asked annoyed after some time of pure silence.
> 
> “You don’t own this place Mister, and I couldn't sleep so I came to get some fresh air.”
> 
> “Are you stupid?”
> 
> The Girl began to laugh. A laugh that irritated Levi. Never ever had someone reacted to his insults like this before.  
>  There were always only two options - either people did shit in their pants because they got so scared of him or they wanted to act cool and tried to challenge him. But never did someone laugh. 
> 
> “I think I am.” she finally said. “But there is no turning back now. I’ve already decided.”  
>    
>  _‘What?’_
> 
> “You are strange.” Levi decided. 
> 
> The Girl pulled her knees towards her torso and embraced them with her arms and smiled at his direction. 
> 
> “You are also a weirdo. Jumping around the trees and taking no orders. What do you think you are? A rebell? What are you rebellin’ against? Erwin? Good luck with that.”
> 
> “Tch.”  
>    
>  Silence arose again as her laugh faded in the night. 
> 
> “I don’t think I’ve introduced myself yet… my name is Illya. Illya Rosegarden. Welcome to the Scouts.”
> 
> “Levi. Just Levi.”  
>  _…_

_~_

Levi held a bunch of bluebells in his right hand as he walked up and down in front of the hospital where Illya was stationed.  
  
His last visit was about weeks ago and that ended in him just walking awkwardly away like a crybaby when she announced that she'd lost her memory. Since then he was missing the courage to face her again. What should he say? What should they talk about? Questions where he could find no answers.  
  
Suddenly he got very angry with himself.  
  
_‘What the heck I am even doing here. It is just fucking Illya.’_  
  
When his hands reached for the doorknob, a laugh that he would recognize even miles away, freezed his whole body.  
  
“Yeah and one time when we had training... you just disappeared...we searched hours after you and when we finally found you we could not believe our own eyes!”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“You’ve been observing some birds and making sketches of them. Damn Illya, I am making no jokes, even I almost pissed in my pants when I saw the trainer's face!”  
  
And there was this laugh again which made Levi search for it’s source.  
  
And even when Levi knew what he would see, it nevertheless shocked him when he actually saw what he wished for not to.  
  
Illya in a Wheelchair, holding bluebells in her hands, and a man in a police military uniform pushing the chair from behind.  
  
Levi knew who he was. Vincent Quill. A comrade of hers during the time when she was in the Training Corps.  
A filthy rich noble brat who had a thing for her about years. But it was not Levi’s place to judge.  
_  
__‘What the heck I am even doing here...’_

 _„_ Ehm… excuse me Mr. Levi, are you looking for someone?” a nurse asked as she assumed that the soon to be Captain, looked lost.  
  
“No.” he said dry. Looking down at the flowers he brought Illya, he felt stupid. Without thinking it through any further he just handed over the flowers to the nurse and vanished into the city of Stohess.

~

“You are late.” Erwin said as Levi entered his office.  
  
“Yeah. Sorry.”  
  
Erwin observed him and it fucked Levi up. Why do people keep staring at him like this?  
  
“Why am I here, Erwin?” he said cold and took a seat.  
  
The new commander chuckled, but Levi could tell that he was tired as well. The last few months were not really here to give this man some rest.  
  
“Alright.” he answered. “You didn’t choose your team yet. It is about time..we’re heading to an expedition in two weeks.  
  
Levi didn’t know how to word his thoughts without the commander misinterpreting his intentions.  
  
“I still think this is a bad idea. We should wait until she is on her feets again, even with lost memory I am sure she can lead your stupid squad. She was supposed to do it the first place, like hell I could take over her position.”  
  
“There are variables you didn’t calculate, Levi.” Erwin tried to gently and carefully explain it to him, although the Commander was sure that he already knew those things, but didn’t want them to be seen as reality.  
  
“She doesn’t remember anything. Her maps, the roads, her intentions, her comrades, her...dream… all gone. She didn’t even know the walls exist. There is no proof that she can fight. Illya would be the perfect bait for the Titans.”  
  
Levi was disgusted by his wording and was ready to fight all those allegations, but something in him told him that he should for better shut his mouth.  
  
“And what now? Sending her back to the Training Corps?”  
  
Erwin sighted and Levi already had the feeling he will not like what he is going to hear.  
  
“Rod Reiss suggested that she should be transferred to the military police.”  
  
“ _Huh?_ Why does it matter what this fat ass wants?”  
  
“Illyasviel agreed.” Erwin said quick. “Rod Reiss introduced himself to her as her adoptive father and- “  
  
Levi's angry energy filled Erwin's office as he slammed the chair he was sitting on as he stood up. There were hundreds of thoughts in his mind, but none of it achieved to be spoken out loud.  
  
“Tomorrow…- I will send you my requests for the squad tomorrow.” he said and left.  
  
~

> Two weeks passed since their failure during their expedition. Two Weeks since Levi lost his family. 
> 
> Erwin somehow could convince him to stay, serve humanity and lend the scouts his strength. Levi first hesitated, he wanted nothing more badly than to kill Erwin, but the Captain made a point. Not he killed his family, not even himself although he made the wrong decision. No. The one who killed Furlan and Isabel were the Titans. Since that day Levi swore to himself that he will kill every single Titan. 
> 
> After their Expedition he eventually was able to join Erwins group, where he met new and old faces. There was on the one hand Hange Zoë, who had a weird obsession with Titans, 5’6’’. Mike Zacharis who always for some reason sniffed all people, 6”. Eld Jinn who has a strong sense for duty, 5’11”. And at last Illya Rosegarden who turned out to be an annoying brat of a bookworm, 5 '4'’. 
> 
> A weird habit of Levi to observe people's personality and height. Not that he seriously would care. He avoided any interaction with them when he was not forced to encounter them by any means but among themselves the squad treated each other like family.  
>    
>  And there it was again. This sting in his heart, that he could not classify. The same sting he felt when his mother and Kenny left him, when Furlan, Isabel left him. 
> 
> The noise of chewing tore him from his thoughts and slowly he realized where he was again.  
>  In the personal Quarter of Erwins troop. A small house in the woods of Shiganshina, that offered each member a own room, a small kitchen, dining room and a shared bathroom.  
>    
>  The noise is coming from Illya, who rocked with her chair while reading and eating...cookies?  
>    
>  _‘Oh...yeah. I must have fallen asleep in the dining room’._ Levi thought to himself and touched his forehead out of pain.  
>    
> 
> 
> _‘Why am I getting this headache again?’_
> 
> He looked up to Illya who seemed in a different world.  
>    
>  ‘What is she reading?’ 
> 
> Levi never learned how to read or write so it kinda fascinated him that she was so absorbed in the book. He could simply ask what she is reading, but he decided not to do it. 
> 
> Eventually her green eyes met his grey ones as she looked above her book.  
>    
>  “I am not sharing.” , she said and put the sack with cookies in her lap.  
>    
>  _‘Tch. Like I care, brat.’_  
>    
>  But Levi had for some reason not the power to say it out loud. Instead he recognized that she had her feet on the dining table and got pissed by it.  
>    
>  “Oj, Brat. Put down your legs. You soil the table with your dirty ass boots.”  
>    
>  “My name is still Illya, Shorty.” she said this time without looking at him.  
>  “By the way, I was waiting for you to wake up, so that we can finally begin to clean up.”
> 
> _‘Right. Erwin made some stupid groups to split up the house chores. The rest probably already began with their duties.’_
> 
>   
>  “Why didn’t you wake me up then, _brat._ ”  
>    
>  Illya put away her book and bound her hair to a high braid with a hair tie.  
>    
> 
> 
> “You looked like you needed the sleep.”   
>    
> 
> 
> He indeed needed it. On good days he was able to sleep at least 3 hours, but in the past few days he could not close one eye for a second. So he was kinda surprised by himself that he fell asleep.  
>    
>  “C’mon let's start.”, Illya added with a gentle voice and began to clean the kitchen.  
>    
>  Inaudible Levi followed her instruction and started wiping the table, he didn’t mind cleaning after all. But his headache would not disappear and so he pressed his hand against the right side of his forehead. The pressure made it a little bit better.
> 
>   
>  Levi could feel Illyas glance on him. Usually he would say something but his power left him more and more with each second passing and the last thing he remembers is that all went black before his eyes when he fell unconscious on the floor.
> 
> \--  
>  When he opened his eyes again, Levi needed some moments to realize what's actually going on.  
>    
>  He was lying on a bed and right beside him Illya rested her head on his bedsheets.  
>    
>  _‘That brat carried me all the way up to my room?’_  
>    
>  Feeling still dizzy he noticed that she was holding the same book from before in her hands.  
>    
>  _‘She is reading through all these sheets? How many are together? Over 1000?’_  
>    
>  Even when Levi was not able to read and write, he was really good at maths. Without it, he would have ended up already dead in the underground. Smugglers are known for being dirty, especially when it comes to money and Levi always had to make sure Furlan, Isabel and he had enough of it.  
>    
>  It took him by surprise when he felt a warm and soft hand on his forehead. As he turned his head to face Illya, she looked relieved and said smiling, “ Finally. It seems your fever finally went down. You sure know how to make people worry, Shorty.”  
>    
>  Lost any sense of time Levi asked; “How long was I asleep?”  
>    
>  “About four days, the doctor said that your condition is...or was..very critical..but thanks to the Walls, you are better now.”  
>    
>  ‘Fever?’ Levi couldn't tell when it was the last time he was ill.  
>    
>  “You must be hungry.. wait I’ll grab you something..” and with that she hushed out of the room and Levi could hear her footsteps as she ran down the stairs to the kitchen.  
>    
>  _‘Did she take care of me all this time?’_  
>    
>  He still felt numb and weak and it took very reserve of his strength to grab after her book, but he was too curious about it.  
>    
>  Isabel always wanted to learn how to read. He wondered, if she was alive..if she was alright..would Illya teach her how to read properly?  
>  The cover of the book felt hard and heavy and some kind of sunset was carved in it, while the sheets felt rough and fragile when Levis fingertips listed through the papers. It looked like it could fall apart anytime soon, but even when, Levi was still impressed.  
>    
>  The small letters that should build sentences, seemed to Levi like ancient hieroglyphs but with the help of some sketches he could figure out that the book is probably about the outside world. The world outside the walls.  
>    
>  The soldier took his time to observe the paintings. There were leaves, waterfalls, something like ice and fire printed into this book.  
>    
>  _“Not bad...”_ he shuttered.  
>    
>  “Isn’t it?” Again she took him off guard.  
>    
>  Illya entered his room and put a serving plate on his nightstand. The smell of Soup and camomile tea reached Levi's nose and only then he realized how incredibly thirsty and hungry he was.  
>    
>  “Thank you.”  
>    
>  Although he prefered black tea, he was not averse to camomile.  
>    
>  “No big deal. I hope you like the soup.”  
>    
>  Levi nodded silently. Feeling a bit embarrassed to be in this state he was right now.  
>    
>  “Where are the others?”  
>    
>  “Expedition.”  
>    
>  “Huh? You didn’t go with them?”  
>    
>  “We couldn't hardly let you alone. You would have dehydrated…”  
>    
>  Levi knew what she meant when she showed him the injections she shot him during his slumber.  
>    
>  “You didn't have to do this.”  
>    
>  “I guess so.” She said and rested her head on the palm of her hand.  
>  “You know.. I am an orphan.. I never had family. Never had someone I could rely on. Till that day Lord Reiss adopted me...or better put... _hired_ me.  
>    
>  _‘Ah, right. She was from the Underground too.’_ _  
> __  
> _ Levi almost forgot, she did behave and looked like an outsider citizen that an outsider or someone who didn’t know could never guess where she originally came from. Filthy, stinking, disgusting Underground.  
>    
>  “...and so the Reiss family got my family.. and after that.. the Survey Corps. And families should take care of each other, right? So you better get used to it, because you’re now family too.”  
>    
>  Levi was speechless at first and then...well, maybe it was the Fever who spoke out of him, or at least his guess so.  
>    
>  “Yeah. But what do you do when you lose family? When those ugly creepy bastards come and rip out the flesh of your family right in front of your eyes?”  
>    
>  The expression in her face immediately changed from a caring and friendly one into a sad and almost melancholy one.  
>  She reached out for her book and caressed it for a while in silence.  
>    
>  Levi almost regretted asking her such a thing. Illya was long enough part of the Survey Corps to know what life here meant. What cost they are paying every time they are heading to a new expedition.  
>    
>  “Tell me, Levi. What would you do when you don’t have to play thug or soldier?”  
>    
>  What strange question to ask Levi thought. He had never time to think about things like that, surviving was always first priority, no matter how.  
>    
>  “Does it matter?”  
>    
>  Illya smiled, but it was a very sad smile.  
>    
>  “I found this book in the garbage in the underground when I was about 7. Not able to read I kept it, promised to myself that I will learn it, no matter the cost. The pictures in it fascinated me and I began to dream about a world I’ve never seen. A World outside the Underground. I began to wonder what the sun would look like, how rain would smell, what snow would taste like. And one day eventually Rod Reiss came with his offer. I was only a young dirty streetwalker with almost now meat on its bones and about to starve.  
>    
>  The man saw me and told me that he was looking for a friend for his daughter Frieda. Can you believe it? He searched for a friend for his daughter? He offered me money, a home and not to forget he saved my life - of course I accepted.  
>    
>  Frieda was in my age and had beautiful long raven black hair with ice-blue eyes. She was so freaking beautiful and smart that I sometimes got really jealous. But Frieda and I got friends...sisters.. really quick.  
>    
>  She taught me how to take care of myself, taught me manners and at least how to count, read and write.  
>    
>  So you can see, my life began to be less shitty. I lived outside and finally could experience all those things I always wanted to.  
>    
>  The Reiss Family was always nice to me and soon, Frieda got more siblings beside me.  
>    
>  Everything was fine, until I was able to read this book…  
>    
>  It was a book with things about the outside written in it..according to this book, the majority of this world is covered in a body of water called the ocean - an ocean full of saltwater. But that was not the only thing. It tells about fire water, land made of ice, fields of sand..and slowly I realized… I just escaped a cage to enter another one. There was so much to explore and things we didn’t know and slowly the wish to draw a world map and document all those things came into my mind.  
>    
>  Of course I told Frieda about my dreams, she wasn’t amused that I had a copy of this book. She told me that I should keep it as a secret because it was illegal to say such things out loud.  
>    
>  To this day...I wonder _why._  
>    
>  Maybe it would have been better for me when I just dropped this dream, but I stupid little girl couln’t give up on it, because there was the next mistery to which we don’t know bearly anything - the _titans._ _  
> __  
> _ Why do they exist? Why do we keep living behind the walls? Why do they eat humans?  
>    
>  Questions about Questions and I thought perhaps I could find the answers in the Survey Corps.  
>    
>  Frieda was indignant at first. But then she helped me to convince her father to allow me to join the Training Corps. I was 12 back then.  
>    
>  Her last words to me were: _Keep fighting for your dream Illyasviel, we will see each other soon._ _  
> __  
> _ Well guess what. We didn’t.. and life turned out to be different than expected.  
>    
>  Sometimes the selfish thought catches up with me - what if - what if I could let this all behind and just be a normal human and maybe work as a painter in a small village? Or city?  
>    
>  I’ve seen too many deaths that I could count. Lost so many comrades. Family. But there is no turning back now. Do you know why?  
>    
>  Because I survived where they did not. That means that I must continue to bear on my shoulders the feelings of those who have passed. I cannot allow it that all their deaths were unnecessary. I must remember - remember that they lived and their dreams and hopes give me strength to continue this path. So I have faith and sacrifice my heart to humanity, till the day I die.  
>    
>  So what to do when you lose family? It never gets easier. It always hurts. It may look like I don’t care - but in fact I do care. All their names won’t probably appear in further books or documentations so if I...we don’t hold on to their memory it is just like they never were here.”  
>    
>  At this point her voice shattered and she wiped away her tears while Levi stared at her with an open mouth.  
>    
>  “I am sorry - I got carried away. It doesn’t matter. I am sorry about your friends. I truly am.”  
>    
>  When Levi did not respond to her she grabbed his plates and wanted to walk away.  
>    
>  “Tea shop.” Levi said before she was outside his room.  
>    
>  “What?” Illya turned irritated in his direction.  
>  “I guess I would like to open up a tea shop.” Levi said again and Illyas smile at this moment was all he wanted to see, he felt so guilty making her cry. So it was kinda a relief when she actually gifted him one.
> 
> ~

  
_‘Why am I remembering this now?’_ _  
__  
_ Levi was lying restless in his bed.  
  
He closed his eyes and tried to breathe conscious to soothe his nerves.  
  
When the exercise failed he let a frustrated sigh out.  
  
_‘You Liar, bookworm. You said you’ll not leave me and look now where we are._ _  
__  
__Well but you’re right. There is no turning back now’_ _  
__  
_ Levi covered his eyes with his hands.  
  
_‘Guess I’ll have to do this without you, huh…._ _  
__  
__...damn…_ _  
__  
__...you deserve better…_ _  
__  
__...live well, while time remains..’_


	3. Corrupted Power

“The Military Police Brigade is the primary police force within human territory. Not only do we maintain order, we also serve as the king’s guard. It is a big honour, you know. But that's only for the big guys, we must work ourselves up by the usual tasks like tax collection and land distribution. Let’s see when you don’t act stupid you will perhaps be promotet since you have really good combat skills. Ah look, we are here! It doesn’t surprise me that you wanted to see this place!”    
  
Vincent showed Illya the military police HQ in Stohess and opened up a big door that led to the library of their Dorm. The room was gigantic with 7 multistoreys and wherever your eyes went, all one could see were books. There were for sure millions of it.    
  
“Ah Vincent, nice to see your face once again!” an old Lady greeted him.    
  
“Miss Valentin.” He bowed. “May I introduce you to an old friend of mine and new soldier?” He bowed friendly and then saluted.    
  
Illya did the same, cause she didn’t know how to behave properly in this situation.    
  
“My name is Illya Rosegarden, nice to meet you.”    
  
Illya felt since she woke up from her coma like an empty shroud. Only little things make her respond with any kind of emotions.    
  
Sometimes, if she has the feeling that someone was really close to her past self, she will act emotions or behave like her versus would abide.   
  
She joined the police military with the hope to get to know more about her past, or get her memories back at any means. Rod Reiss who introduced herself as her adoptive father seemed like the person who could trigger some memories, but that belief turned out to be a big failure.    
  
Illya hasn't seen the man since his last visit and ignored her tries to contact him.   
  
“Oh my dear, what beautiful hair you have.” the old woman said and stroked with her fingers through Illyas scarlet-red hair. “Oh and your face and eyes. Such a beautiful soul”.    
  
The Lady began to pinch cheeks and luckily Vincent noticed really quick that the situation was uncomfortable for her.    
  
“E-Ehm excuse me Miss Valentin, I’m here because I wanted to ask if you could show her around the library? I would do it myself..but Nile awaits me already.”   
  
“Oh of course Vincent! I will take good care of your Girlfriend! Just no worries!”    
  
The man looked ashamed on the floor and blushed a little bit as he rubbed the soles of his boots on the ground.

“Eh-n..no she is not my Girlfriend..Just an old good friend you know.”    
  
“I understand, Captain.” the Lady smirked and gave Illya a weird wink.    
  
The redhead didn’t give a shit at this moment and observed the nervous Vincent. When she was still in the hospital he came everyday and visited her and told stories about their time in the Training Corps. According to him they were really good friends but departed in a fight when Illya insisted to go to the Survey Corps but he himself wanted to enter the Military.    
  
He is a really tall and muscular man with brown-gold curly hair, which is mostly gelled backwards. His facial features are marked with bright golden eyes and a three-day beard. His personal trademark would probably be the scar on the left side of his upper lip.    
Vincent was a very shy but a nice person. Illya was grateful for his regular visits because with him time flew just by.    
  
“Then I will leave Illya to you.” he said thankfully.    
  
“Don’t stay too long, I’ve heard you are transfered to Trost District and your duties shall begin tomorrow. I hope we can see each other on free days.” Vincent added smiling to Illya before he left to attend his duties.    
  
Vincent was Nile Doks most trusted advisor and captain of his own squad.    
  
With lifeless eyes Illya thanked him and dedicated herself to a bookshelf nearby.    
  
“You could be a little nicer to him you know, he is the only one here who really cares about you. Understand?    
Thousands of women would love to switch sides with you.” Miss Valentine said threateningly when Vincent left the library.    
  
“You know who I am?”    
  
“Everybody here knows who you are dear, just think you’re something special because some noble sent you here. You should have stayed in the trash where you belong.”    
  
Illya sighed unimpressed. Since she achieved the HQ everybody treated her that way, except for Vincent of course. 

“Does this mean I can’t borrow any books?”    
  
“2 Weeks maximum. Should you exceed the deadline you must pay indemnity.”   
  
“Understood.” 

~~

Trost was in terrible condition.    
  
In every corner were Refugees to see, who lost their homes due the Titans attack. And the situation is becoming more and more acute. The Government is fearing a shortage of supplies and in the short term those people will not only have a missing roof over their heads but also shall suffer from hunger.    
“Why doesn’t the government distribute the refugees all over the walls? There must be enough supplies in Sina?! Or am I wrong?” Illya asked her superior when they went on patrol the next day.    
  
“Oh poor Girl, you must have lost more than just your memories.” He answered and after a very long time Illya felt something again.    
  
Anger and frustration.    
  
“Look at these people. They are just simple farmers. We feed them and give them space to sleep and yet this unthankful pack shall get more? Like hell is the king going to do this.” 

“But aren’t we in charge to help them?” Illya asked.    
  
And no. They were not. This day was the day where Illya learned that the Military Police is a group full of assholes. They went from person to person and required from the poorest person to pay taxes. If they could not pay they got a not so friendly reminder that the next time they should have the money or they will be imprisoned..    
  
And the police gave those poor refugees deliberately less food so that in the end of the day they got more.    
  
_ ‘This was a mistake. This was a mistake. This was a mistake.’  _ Illya thought all the time during her patrol. She felt so bad and looking how her comrades treated those people made it just worse.    
  
_ ‘It was a mistake. Why did I choose this?’  _   
  
“Oj, time for your break, Rosegarden.” her superior commanded.    
  
“Aye.”    
  
Preferably Illya wanted to search for a quiet place for her break, but it was impossible to find such a place and so she just sat on the dirty floor and leant herself against a wall.    
  
She got for lunch a warm soup and bread. Much more what the dwellers became.    
  
_ ‘In what world we live in? How did I manage to survive this before? To endure this madness?’ _   
  
“I’ll be back inside Wall Maria to kill off all the Titans!”    
  
She heard a boy's voice saying angry behind the wall.    
Probably refugees who managed to escape Shiganshina.

“Eren.” another boy clinged in. “ You’re not serious, right?”    
  
“I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE SERIOUS! I AM NOT LIKE THOSE PEOPLE WHO ONLY ACT THOUGH WHEN PROTECTED BY THE WALL! I DON’T NEED THIS CRAP!”    
  
“Eren, what are you doing?!”    
  
_ ‘Huh, stupid boy.’ _   
  
It seemed that he had thrown away his bread.    
  
“Doesn’t it piss you off? We can’t do anything against the Titans because we live of such pity!”   
  
“It is impossible! NOTHING can defeat them! Our only choice is to live inside the walls. If you do anything rash, you’ll die the same way my parents did!”   
  
“So that’s why you’re sucking up to those people?! Do you have no shame?!”    
  
“That’s all we can do right now!”    
  
“That’s just an excuse! Just continue living like livestock, you weak piece of shit!”   
  
The next thing Illya could perceive as someone punched this kid in the face. A girl.    
  
“Mikasa?”    
  
“If Armin’s weak, then so are you and I. We couldn’t even escape the Titans or leave the city by ourselves.    
Even the food we eat is from someone else. There’s absolutely no chance of us weaklings taking down even one Titan. What’s important is staying alive, just as your mother said. Eat. Eat and stay alive. I won’t allow you to starve to death. “   
  
Now the boy began to cry.    
  
Illya wondered what they had seen. Have they seen some of those titans? Poor children.    
  
Disgusted she watched her meal.

> _ “What made me join the Survey Corps?” _
> 
> _ “You had a dream.” Erwin smiled. _
> 
> _ “A dream?” _
> 
> _ “Yes, you wanted to draw a world map. You began to draw little Roadmaps for the Survey Corps each time we faced a new unknown area.” _
> 
> _ “I see.” _

_ ‘How I wish I could be this person again… Would I have made a difference in this world?’ _

_   
_ _ ~~ _

“I see. Already reading?!” Vincent came into her quarters after knocking on Illya’s door.    
  
“I am finished for today so I thought I should come by and ask how your first day was?”    
  
He smiled and overall he seemed really happy and satisfied.    
  
_ ‘How can he be so calm?!’  _   
  
“Vincent.”    
  
“Yeah?”    
  
“Why is it that the talented soldiers enter the military and vanish deeper behind the walls? Should it not be the opposite? Shouldn't the strong people fight in the frontline against the titans?”   
  
His mimic changed immediately.    
  
“Illya.” He said terrified, almost begging. “Do we really have this conversation again? Like we did back in the days? I thought..I thought since you are here..that you will not think that way anymore. You are the most frustrating woman I know. I already lost you like that. I don’t want to lose you once again. I just have you back in my life.” 

“Answer me.”    
  
“Because it is stupid! We have no chance against the titans! One would just unnecessary throwing its life away! It is helpless! Inside the walls… Rose..Sina we are safe!”    
  
“But..they already destroyed Wall Maria, didn’t they? What makes you so sure that they will not attack once again?”    
  
“The last attack before the destruction of Wall Maria was over 100 years ago! If we are lucky the next attack won’t happen-”    
  
“What makes you so sure about that? Did you see how many people lost their homes? How many people lost their friends and family? Are those lifes meaningless to you?”    
  
“No. But there is nothing  _ we _ can do about it.”    
  
Vincent came closer and hugged Illya from behind.    
  
“I beg you Illya. Please don’t do this. Please let your old life behind and begin a new one.”    
  
“You are talking nonsense. I don’t even remember and this is kinda creepy you know. I understand we were once close but for me it is like we just met.”    
  
With that he let her go.    
  
“Now you are also talking like him.” he whispered.    
  
“Who?”   
  
“Ah, it doesn’t matter.”   
  
Illya was really patient with him. Perhaps because he was someone she used to know. Perhaps because he was so kind to her. But now, now her thread of patience just has been cutted.    
  
_ ‘You are pretty disgusting you know? Not only you, the whole police military. You guys are just selfish assholes who only think about their own benefits. You really disgust me. Not long ago humanity has been defeated and all you can think about is what I am going to do? Well surprise Mister, I can decide that shit on my own.’  _

She wished she could say those things clearly in front of him. But she can’t. She made a promise to Erwin and getting into a fight with a Captain won’t benefit her cause.    
  
“I am sorry Vincent..it is just..it was a really long day and all of this overwhelmed me.”    
  
“I understand, Illya.”    
  
The tall man came closer and put his strong hand on her shoulder.    
  
“The thing is I am just worried about you.”    
  
“I appreciate it. Thank you. But...but there is no need to.”   
  
Vincent shook his head.    
  
“There is. Because you are  _ important _ to me.”

_ ‘Endure Illya. Endure.’ _

...

~~   
_ 5 weeks before _

“I see.”    
  
Erwing crossed his fingers and on that bridge he built and let his head rest. 

“I understand your anger.”

“I just don’t know what to do. It is frustrating. All those people coming in and telling me who I am and how I should be. What I have achieved. That I was a great soldier. Telling me they can’t wait till I get back to the Survey Corps. But what if I disappoint them? What if I can’t be the help for humanity I once was?”   
Erwin remained silent. He turned out to be one of few people Illya was glad to see. He never put too much pressure on her or had high expectations.   
  
“And then this man came and introduced himself as my adoptive father and told me that he wants me to be in the police military? And I am asking myself why now? Did he try to get me there before?” 

“I don’t know.” the Commander answered honestly. “You never told me anything about your family issues.”    
  
“Seeesh.”    
  
Illya reached out to the bridge of her nose and massaged it.    
  
“I am sorry for bothering you.”    
  
“You don’t.”    
  
“...”   
  
“What should I do Erwin?”    
  
“Interested in a story from my childhood?”    
  
Illya was irritated and asked herself why he brought that topic on the surface, but of course she wanted to know more about Erwin and so she nodded.    
  
“You know..as a child I was really curious and insightful..I wondered why humanity had no memory of what happened before they lived within the Walls. What I didn’t understand was the fact that, if they head lost all their records from former generations, there should have been someone who was supposed to teach the new generation about their history like we do nowadays? I shared those thoughts with my father, who was a teacher, and he had a theory.. he believed that the king had altered humanity’s memories when they first entered the Walls so he could control them better.”

“Why should the King do such a thing, if it is true?”    
  
“That’s the question, isn’t it?” Erwin smiled 

“As stupid as I was and the believe that my father might be right, I told the next day everyone from his theory. In my head it made perfect sense. But no one thought the same. And unfortunately one day my father died due to an accident.” 

“I am sorry, Erwin...that is terrible.”   
  
Erwin shook his head.    
  
“You don’t have to. But I still believe in my fathers theory. As crazy it might sound. I wonder if the police military knows about it, since one of their tasks is also to serve the king.”    
  
Illya looked down to her hands, slowly realizing what he wants from her.

“You want me to join the military police as a spy and find out?”    
  
“It is a terribly selfish thing to ask, I know, but if my father was true- then it may be our only chance to find out.”   
  
“But what if your father was in the wrong?”    
  
“Then I wasted your time. I am sorry...”    
  
“But where to start? The military will not share that information voluntarily.”    
  
“Start small. Learn as much about history as you can, the military has more access to books than we have and gain the respect of your comrades and look that you get promoted very fast.”    
  
“I understand.”    
  
“So you will do it?”    
  
Illya hesitated for a few seconds.    
  
“I am, according to you, a part of the survey corps. And with you as the new Commander I can’t simply reject an order, can I? So I’ll do it. What else is left for me, I’ll try my best. I’ll play spy for you, Erwin Smith.”   
  
...


	4. Honor you in my memories, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey peeps, hope you are doing all well :) 
> 
> This is part one of a recap that should explain Illyas and Levis relationship to each other a little bit.  
> Hope you like it :)

Live is repeating itself in a continuous loop for Levi. First he refuses to let anybody close to him, but unfortunately some people are really persistent and marked Levi’s heart forever. But in the end, what all of them do, is leaving him. Consciously or unconsciously.  
  
He should have known better. The underground already taught him that he can’t trust anybody but himself, but still. 

It hurted.  
  
Losing good People.  
  
Watching them die.  
  
Levi often thought that it would be easier for him, if his heart turns completely into ice, but something in him refuses to do so.  
  
However he managed to keep up a wall for all those people who didn’t belong either to his subordinates or comrades of the survey corp, although he had strange ways showing them his care. 

So years passed and he became known as humanity's strongest soldier. Humanities hope. Captain Levi.

What weird titles to give him, but according to Erwin, it gave folks the strength to believe in something again and with that, Levi kept his walls and was not very approachable for people who tried desperately to get associated with him, but he still tried to serve humanity as much as he could. 

And with time, the former Erwin Squad slowly broke into little pieces. Every member of the team was offered the position as a squad leader and everyone eagerly accepted the new challenge. Everyone but Eld. 

He refused to believe that he would give off a good leader and so Levi asked him to be his first crewmember and 2nd in command. He accepted and Levi was happy to have a loyal known figure in his team. 

Finding other people for his team turned out to be more troublesome than he assumed. He had high expectations and only few in the Survey Corps could discharge them.  
  
Levi wanted that his subordinates know how to clean, or at least have the will to learn it right. They should have satisfying combat skills, because he refused to carry death corpses with him every time after an expedition. They should have a healthy human intellect and should be able to make their own choices and not follow his words like filthy dogs. 

The search was annoying but his stolidity earned really quick fruits and he found them - the people he was looking for.  
  
Oluo Bozado, Petra Ral, Gunther Schultz, Eva Herz, Sebastian Bow and of course Eld Jinn. 

Nevertheless losing people was inevitable. They live in a cruel world after all and good soldiers kept dying, also under Erwins Commando.  
  
But the hate against the titans and the promise that Levi would never let the deaths of his comrades be useless, gives him strength to continue his path and he survives. He Survived and killed titans one by one. Like someone he once used to know.  
  
The whole mission of the Survey Corps to explore and eventually reclamation of human territory from titan-infested lands through the act of setting up small bases, camps, resupply stations and extra fortifications in available areas outside the Walls seemed like acts of despair, but one day a little accident shall change everything.  
  
Hange was so desperate to catch a Titan alive to analyse them better and her determination not only risked her own life, it also almost killed Oluo. Levi was incredibly pissed by her careless behaviour and almost nobody wanted to help her out with her plans. Till they found a memoir of a fallen cadet named Ilse Lagnar.  
  
This little notebook changed the whole understanding of titans and humanity once more had to realize they do not know anything about the outside world and the origins of titans.   
  
Lagnar’s Notebook revealed that she was able to communicate with an abnormal and called her a “subject of Ymir”, long they didn’t know what that meant but because of the discovery of the journal, Hange was allowed to catch titans with the help of Levi’s squad.   
  
Unfortunately their progress in understanding the world transpired only in infinitesimal steps and that for years.  
  
Even when Levi appeared for others like this coldhearted man, he in fact wasn’t and there always came a time where his walls slowly crackled. A time where he can’t control his emotions by avoiding them during other duties like killing Titans and cleaning. A time where everything seems to freeze.  
The time when the night falls and the stars are shining in the night sky, leaving him all alone with his thoughts. 

The night began to be his worst enemy but it was also the only time where he could fully honor those who passed before him by remembering them. 

One of those who was worth honoring is Illya. Even when it was just silly random moments he remembered with her. 

~

 _6 month passed since he joined the Scouts and he got used to Erwin’s squad. They were trying here and there, but he accepted it. What else was left? He was offering his life every time they are heading to a monthly expedition and so did they._ _  
__  
__When not on an expedition, Survey Corps Soldiers must spend their time training and maintaining their equipment. Depending on a soldier's position they may also need to attend meetings, like Erwin. If time allows, they might be given permission to go home until the next monthly expedition is near._ _  
__  
__..._ _  
__  
__In these 6 months, Levi saw things he never dared to dream of._ _  
__  
__Fields that looked like green oceans, decorated with various flowers, trees and other plants in all kinds of colors. Blue water in pits that sparkled in both, moon and sun. As blue as the water, was the sky during the day and only a few clouds covered the burning sun, that caused a warm feeling on Levi’s face._ _  
__But the best part for him personally was,when the sun slowly sank into the ground and gifted the sky with purple, orange and red colours and the blue sky turned into a black one and instead the sun, it was the moon and his stars caught Levi’s attention._ _  
__Then he knew, it is about time that the environment will soon lose its dry air and change it into a more refreshing one. The thing about the night was also, that everything begins to quiet down and he could hear other things like the twittering of chirps_ _  
__  
__He really enjoyed it and spent most of the night on the rooftop. During the day people were too noisy. Children screaming around, playing with the water. And so yes. He appreciated the silence._

_Despite the fact that he wished to spend every night on the rooftop, reality was that he could not. The weather was uncontrollable and it did as it wished and he would only catch a stupid cold again if he would dare to test it. But Levi learned to love also these days, because sometimes a huge amount of massive rain fell down off the sky and lightning and thunder, which he only heard in the underground when he was near a whole, could be observed suddenly in person in front of his window while the raindrops knocked on his window._

_On some days Illya would join him, but they made it an unspoken rule to not interrupt each other by speaking and so they just sat there and Levi got the feeling that she was also enjoying the silence and the break from everyday life, which surprised him because he got to knew her as a very talkative person._

_They began to spend a very huge amount of time together. Illya made it her task to explain everything to Levi, beginning with the seasons of the year to the point where she realized that Levi could not either read or write._ _  
__  
__Since her discovery that brat lent him her precious book and trained with him every day, when times allowed it._ _  
__  
__Levi first resisted but he learned that Illya was annoyingly stubborn and explained to him that he needed those skills in the Corps, how should he be able to write reports either way? And so she spent hours in his room teaching him._ _  
__  
__When he asked why she is bothering her time with it, she simply answered that Erwin also requested her to do so._ _  
__  
__Of course. A blind fish could see how much impact the man had over Illya, yet he could not blame her. Levi himself gained respect towards Erwin. The Captain seemed to see something that he was not able to see and Levi was desirous to find out what it was._ _  
__  
__Learning the new skills was hard and annoying, but he kept moving forward and with the brats help his unrecognisable handwriting became a decent one and Levi was one day able to read Illya’s book on his own. But it was not his last book reading, the brat turned him to a bookworm as well._ _  
__  
__In Levi’s eyes Illya was still a weird person. A person with incredibly many facettes. In one moment she is the heart kinded clumsy person, who will help anyone without any selfish background thoughts, but this kind hearted person vanishes when they enter the outside world. Something triggers in her and all of the sudden she is extremely dead serious and is not afraid to give commands or harsh critique. So it was no surprise that she was 2nd in command in Erwin’s squad._

_Like Levi himself, she carried quirks with her which never changed, no matter what personality trait she was showing right now._

_For example, she always carries a notebook with her and writes or draws regularly in it. Most of the time it was something for the squad, but here and there Levi catched her how she drew some personal stuff._ _  
__  
__She had the unnatural habit to be able to fall asleep anytime, doesn’t matter where she is at the moment._ _  
__  
__Illya was also an excellent cook and always hummed sundry melodies when she was cooking._ _  
__  
__But what Levi fascinated the most, was the way she was talking to people. There was no way to deny that Illya carried so much love in her. And everyone had place in her heart. Everyone in her eyes deserved to be seen and to be listened to._ _  
__  
__To Levi she was like a beautiful flower which never withered and compared her not only once with his mother._ _  
__  
__The soldier was not sure why he saw her that way, perhaps because he had the feeling he was standing always in her debts, but the brat never asked for anything in return. Yes that must be it, there was no other explanation for Levi. He hated it to be in debt and someday he will sure have the opportunity to pay her back for everything she has done for him._ _  
__  
__Followingly as time further passed, the green leaves turned into red, orange, yellow ones and fell down from the trees. The flowers suddenly vanished and the air was getting colder and the environment foggy. The night seemed much longer than the day and people changed their way of clothing from airy and short to long and cozy and started wearing jackets over their regular clothes._ _  
__  
__Illya said that it was the beginning of autumn and explained to him that winter was near._ _  
__Although Levi could not understand what this fully meant, he could feel how his body reacted to the change, because suddenly when he breathed out, his breath caused a little fog. That was more than new to him._

 _Thus Illya started acting strange. She began to miss the dinners, when she was not in in order to take care of it. Left the house early in the morning and came back late at night, mostly past midnight. She was absent minded and could not answer the simplest questions and turned out to be more clumsy than usual._ _  
__  
__And at last, she skipped learning sessions with Levi._ _  
_  
“Anyone know what’s wrong with Lya?” Hange asked with a full mouth.  
  
The squad was eating without Erwin in the dining room, because he had meetings in Mitras. But the one who they actually talked about was also missing.  
  
Ed winced with his shoulders.  
  
“Atypical for her.”  
  
“I can smell flurry in her scent.” Mike stated.  
  
“She is nervous? Because of what?” Hange jumped from her chair and came Mike awkwardly close.  
  
But Mike stayed unimpressed and pushed her a little bit back.  
  
“I don’t know. Ask her if you wish to know.”

“Normally I would say that it is not our business, but she demolished today 10 plates while cleaning.”  
  
“Right, Ed?! And then she always comes home late at night.” Hange added.  
  
“Are you that blind?” Rinaldo, a new squad member said. “She probably got a boyfriend and is blind in love!”  
  
“NO WAY, NOT ILLYA!!! She would have said something to me!” 

“Sure about that, Hange?” Rinaldo teased.  
  
“You guys are truly unnerving.”  
  
Levi got the full attention of Erwin’s squad because it has been his first words to them today.  
  
“Don’t forget to wash off your dishes.” he said and was looking particularly at Hange, who had the habit of leaving the dirty dishes on the table.  
  
And with that he vanished outside to fulfill his training. Levi didn’t mind the stares behind him.  
Levis training mostly withheld 2hours of running for his condition and afterwards he commits his time for plenty of hours for strength and combat training.  
  
He was just on his round, when the silhouette of someone known, made him stop. Illya was sitting beneath a tree and was sketching out a couple. 

It was terribly cold outside. Objects began to get a seath of ice and there she sat with only a dress and a jacket, sketching this couple.  
  
Levi decided that he would give it no further thoughts and went on running. Yet something in his gut twisted.  
  
 _‘Little piece of shit, shouldn’t she rather fulfill her training?’_

The soldier would never admit it, but Illyas behaviour was getting really on his nerves lately.  
Was this just another side of her he didn’t know?  
  
  
The sun had already gone down when he finished his routine and the soldier was on the way back home and slowly the day came to an end, without Illya returning on time again to learn with him.  
  
So It was just a night like every other before, where Levi couldn't close his eyes to sleep. It was too cold for him to sit on the rooftop and so he was just lying in his bed, staring frantic at the white wall, waiting to hear the faint sound of the front door opening.  
  
But the sound let him wait. 

Levi imagined thousands of scenarios that could have happened to her, reasons why she was late. Maybe she was robbed, kidnapped, raped,... 

The second Levi caught himself worrying about her, was the second he decided to get up to make himself black tea.  
  
 _‘This is ridiculous.’_ he said, angry to himself.  
  
It was a strange unknown feeling that he began to worry about a person other than Isabel and Furlan. 

When Levi set the water to boil, he could finally hear the sound he was waiting for so long.  
  
“Huh, you are still up?”  
  
Her voice, who seemed alright, calmed Levi even more down than the sound of the door.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Levi turned his torso to check if her voice tricked him and she is possibly...maybe..really hurt.  
  
But she was alright. Standing in front of him in her uniform. Levi was a little confused, didn’t she wear her green long everyday dress earlier? She must have trained afterwards on her own.  
  
Illya observed the teapot on the stove, but whatever she was thinking right now, she kept it for herself.  
She looked tired. Dark Circles marked her eyes, like Levi would only know from himself.  
 _  
_Levi could not help himself but to think about it. She really seemed like a different person just over night. _  
__  
_“So you're really thinking of giving up your career and starting over as a freelance painter?”  
  
Illya blushed immediately.  
  
“How..?”  
  
“Saw you under that tree.”  
  
“Oh..” 

“So was your stupid talking about..remembering them… and all of this shit you said to me, nonesense you brabbeled?”   
  
Levi’s voice sounded more aggressive than he wanted it to be.  
  
“That’s not it!” Illya tried to defend herself.  
  
“Huh? What then? Look at yourself. What if we should go tomorrow to an expedition? You would not survive five minutes in the shape you are right now. ” 

“What the fuck? I am doing my training. No worries, Mister.” 

A Spark from her usual personality Levi was used to. Prideful, stubborn yet kindhearted, naive piece of shit.

“Tch.” Levi turned away so that he didn’t have to look at her anymore, not sure about his own feelings.  
  
Why was he so upset about this whole thing?  
  
“Oh. I think I now understand.” She grinned “Are you worried about me, Shorty?” 

Levi truly did not understand himself and why he did the thing he did. He just knew that he felt so frustrated and angry that he grabbed her at the collars of her jacket and lifted her up that she choked. 

“Do you think this is a game? You can’t be half hearted in this matter. You know all too well what can happen. Go on, decide. What do you want? Nobody’s gonna shit on you for your decision. Just don’t be in front of me like someone who treasures the life of others when you just give up your own that easily. And hell Bookworm, the next time you call me Shorty I’ll-”

“Levi.” she said with a fading voice and grabbed his wrist. “Please let me down.”

Illya’s face was getting paler and suddenly a shock overcame Levi and let Illya fall coughing on the ground.  
  
 _What did he do?!_

The soldier was expecting any kind of emotions. Anger. Fear. Frustration. Hate. He has seen those faces many times before. People would start avoiding him, talk behind his back.  
  
But she. She just stared at him with her green eyes. Analysing every feature of his face. His body language.  
  
 _‘Why is she acting so strange? Shouldn’t her pride move her to defend herself?’_  
  
But she just stood up like nothing ever happened, prepared for him and herself the tea that Levi let boiling.  
  
 _‘What the fuck, brat?’_ _  
__  
_“You truly need to change the way you talk to people, Mister.” she answered, served the tea and sat on the table.  
Illya sighed and continued. “It is really cold outside, guess it could snow anytime soon.”  
  
“Oj..” Levi whispered, unbelievable. “Shouldn't you be afraid of me or something like that?”  
  
“Why?” she asked innocently, “Because you showed me today for the first time any kind of emotions?”  
  
“Wha..?”  
  
“Besides I witnessed too much bullshit to be afraid of a midget.”  
  
Levi’s first instinct was to scream at her again, how dared she to adjudicate about his own emotions. But she was in the right tho, it was for him the first time to feel something intense again. All this time, after his friends died, he was never truly present. It was as if he was an empty shell without purpose but to kill.   
  
“I’m doing it for money.” Levi could hear her saying out loud.  
  
“Don’t worry, I will not neglect our duties.. but I... _want_ to save the money for..”  
  
“..For?”..It takes Levi some moments to dare to look again at her. She was already almost lying on the table, using her right elbow as a pillow. She was tired.  
  
“You will only laugh.”, she chuckled.  
  
The man dared not to say anything out loud. How could he laugh at her after he had done to her? After she gave him so much and yet he treated her like garbage. How could he?  
  
“Alright. I’ll tell you. But only because it is you.”  
Illyas voice lowered its volume, it sounded lazy, like she would fall asleep anytime soon.  
  
She chuckled again, hiding her face in between her elbow.  
  
“I..want to save the money for a dress I really like to have.”  
  
“This is probably the silliest thing I ever heard coming out from your mouth.”   
  
“I thought so too, but I want to look pretty, at least once, at least in front of him.” she whispered.  
  
“Who?”  
  
When she didn’t answer, Levi realized that she actually fell asleep.  
  
“Jeez, woman.”  
  
He drank out his tea before he tried to reach her with his words.  
  
“Oj, Illya wake up. You can’t sleep here.”  
  
No reaction.  
  
“Brat.” Levi said this time with a caring voice.  
  
“You don’t need an expensive dress to look pretty and if this guy, whoever this ass might be, can’t see it, then he is a prig.”  
  
Levi stretched out his hand to hold carefully one strain of her red hair between his fingers, before he grabbed her at her waists and carried her into her room and brought her to bed.  
  
…  
  
The next morning was gifted with the smell of coffee, tea, ham and egg, toast and orange juice.  
  
Sign that it was Illya’s turn to prepare the meal for today. She had the habit to overstate the whole thing. Decorate the tables, prepare vegetables and fruits, set candles on fire. Like all of them were nobles.  
  
It didn’t take long that the smell of the food lured the whole squad into the dinning room.  
  
“L-Y-A!!” Hange screamed and hugged her from behind.  
“It smells delicious!”  
  
The young soldier gifted her friend a kind smile.  
  
“I am glad you like it.”  
  
Although everyone was happy for the meal, there was not to deny that the atmosphere had a very deep pressure in the air.  
  
So Erwin’s squad ate with their lips closed. One half was exhausted from their training the day before, the other half wanted to ask Illya questions, but didn’t know how to do so without seeming rude or over pryingly.  
  
And there was Levi and Illya, who didn’t even dared to look into each other's eyes. She noticed that she didn’t wake up where she had fallen asleep.  
  
Thankfully the knock on a wooden object broke them free from the silence and Mike went to see who was knocking on the door and came back with a letter in his hands.  
  
“We are allowed to go home.” he said, still sleepy, when he returned to the crew.  
  
“HYAAHOOO!” Hange screamed.  
  
 _Home. Where is his home? Where should he go? The Underground?_  
  
Levi’s mind was confused and he didn’t really know how to feel about it. Should he be happy? Should he be sad?  
  
But the truth is, he felt nothing. Again.  
  
“You can stay here.” Eld interrupted his thoughts, like he knew.  
“Illya is also always staying.” 

Not the best option he wished for, but at least better than returning to the place he used to call home.  
  
“Although you have some tasks to do. Erwin added to his message a whole list of dutys, Illya.” Mike included.  
  
The woman reached out her hand to grab her captain notice.  
  
“Oh. Yeah. Shouldn’t be a problem.” She answered after reading it through, after all it was just well known preparations for the next expedition.  
  
“But don’t forget to come back at least two weeks before the next expedition! Erwin will let you know the official date.”  
  
“Alright Mike!” the squad almost screamed in a chor.  
  


\---


End file.
